Hidden Torment
by Mrs.InsaneOne
Summary: Join me on an enlightening journey through one of Moody's memories and find out if there is any logic behind his motives and his apparent madness. Set in the summer before 5th year. A. Moody, no pairings, no warnings. COMPLETE


**Summary: **_We were told, by Remus Lupin, that there were a surprising number of people who had volunteered to escort Harry to No.12 Grimmauld Place for the first time. What prompted Alastor Moody to step in and volunteer to be a part of the advanced guard though? Why did he seem overly concerned about Harry's safety and well-being once he arrived at the Dursley's house? Come take a journey through Moody's memories and find out if there is any logic behind the madness._

**DISCLAIMER: **_All HP characters are the property of JKR, the WB, and respective publishing companies - this is nothing more than a simple FanFiction that I have written. I have made no money from this or any of the other stories I have posted on this or other sites._

**AN:** _This story was originally written by me for a group collaboration and posted as part of a collection on HPFF three years ago. This is the first time I have ever published this story outside of that collection and on a site other than HPFF. Story was beta'd by __**arithmancy_wiz**__ and __**wiccan**__ in 2006. That said; I hope you enjoy the story as much as I enjoyed writing it all those years ago. - __**Jenn**_

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**Hidden Torment**

The scraping of a chair could be heard as Dumbledore rose to his feet and waved his arm to get the attention of the other witches and wizards in the room. The moment he had the eyes of everyone focused on him, Dumbledore cleared his throat and began speaking.

"Now, on to the last order business for the night," Dumbledore rumbled as he frowned off in Mundungus Fletcher's direction. "As most of you know, last night, Harry Potter and his cousin were attacked a short distance from their home by two dementors."

A chorus of angry and nervous muttering broke out amongst those seated and it took several minutes before Dumbledore could quiet his colleagues enough to continue.

"Both boys are fine, thanks to Harry's quick thinking. However, the presence of the dementors raises many concerns over the safety of Mr. Potter. The Ministry fiasco that occurred immediately following the attack only heightens my apprehension for the boy."Dumbledore continued only to be interrupted as angry muttering arose from the far side of the room where Sirius Black was sitting beside Remus Lupin, Arthur Weasley, and Nymphadora Tonks. Matters only escalated when Sirius caught sight of Severus Snape's disdainful sneer. A violent duel was only avoided when Dumbledore threatened to forcefully remove both men from the meeting.

"Now, where was I?" Dumbledore muttered absently as he continued to watch Sirius over his half-moon glasses. "Ah, yes, I remember – Harry Potter. Now that the last of the security measures have been put into place here at Headquarters, I'd like to make arrangements for Mr. Potter to be escorted from his Aunt and Uncle's house in Little Whinging. We'll need a couple of volunteers who are willing to collect the boy from his relatives and see that he arrives safely."

This announcement was greeted by the loudest of outbursts yet; only a handful of witches and wizards were not clamoring to be included in the escort – Minerva McGonagall, Severus Snape, Remus Lupin, and Alastor Moody.

"He's my godson, I can protect him and see that he makes he makes it in one piece," Sirius barked out eagerly.

"Mr. Potter recognized me; I should be allowed to lend a hand in protecting him," Dedalus Diggle practically squealed as he leapt from his chair, his top hat tumbling from his head.

"It'll be best to have the guard made up of qualified Aurors," Kingsley Shacklebolt insisted calmly.

"There should be friendly faces in the guard; we don't want to frighten the lad," Hestia Jones piped in, leaning dangerously close to the edge of her chair.

The cacophony ended abruptly when Alastor shot a stream of red sparks into the air, accompanied by a loud boom. Every eye in the room turned to stare worriedly in the old Auror's direction as he rose to his feet and addressed Dumbledore in a gruff growl. "I volunteer."

Several loud protests were called out as many of the younger Order members climbed to their feet – many of them personally familiar with the ex-Auror's paranoia.

Their voices died out as Sirius shoved back his chair and stormed towards the door – his voice growing steadily louder as he ranted over his shoulder. "If all you brave souls are just going to argue about it, I'll go retrieve Harry myself tonight. I don't plan on waiting for another round of dementors to show up whilst you sit and argue about who is better qualified to protect him."

"Stop right there, Sirius," Dumbledore ordered as Sirius's hand touched the latch. "There will be no debate. If I had known how enthusiastic the volunteers would be, I would have chosen a team before the meeting."

"When do we leave?" Sirius countered; his demeanor only slightly less aggravated than before.

"You will not be a part of the escort," Dumbledore replied sadly.

Sirius snarled wordlessly at Dumbledore before yanking the door open and stalking out of the room, stiff with rage.

"I'd like to be allowed to go in Sirius's place," Remus stated calmly in the wake of Sirius's awkward departure.

"Very well, Remus, I'll leave it to you to sort out the rest of the volunteers," Dumbledore murmured. "Meeting adjourned."

Remus was quickly surrounded by nearly every member that was in attendance as Dumbledore quietly left the room. He was at a loss for the first few minutes, the steady stream of demanding, begging, and arrogant voices slowly bringing on a headache. Remus soon managed to push his way clear of the crowd only to wind up face to face with Mad-eye.

"Moody," Remus acknowledged wearily.

"Lupin," Moody returned with a slight nod, "I owe the boy."

Remus looked slightly puzzled by Moody's statement, but he didn't reply as a handful of other witches and wizards gathered around the two expectantly. Several hushed whispers of: _"Lupin wouldn't be mad enough."_ _"Mad-eye isn't stable enough."_ and _"He'll most likely hex the boy first!"_ shot through the kitchen, but both Alastor and Remus ignored them.

"You're in," Remus announced before looking up to study the faces of those surrounding him. "Kingsley, Podmore, and Vance - I'd like you to join me as well. Tonks, can you run a bit of interference to get the Muggles from the house? Good, I'd also like Doge and Jones to come along. Who's scheduled to monitor Little Whinging in two days time?"

"I am," Dedalus squeaked excitedly.

"Perfect, we'll join you at Mrs. Figg's house once the sun sets," Remus continued as he nodded at Dedalus. He called out another nine names that he relegated as a rear guard and five more that would be responsible for scouting for Death Eaters within a fifty mile circumference of Number Four Privet Drive.

It wasn't long before those not chosen reluctantly began dispersing as Remus and the other volunteers began working out the details that would surround Harry's removal from the Dursley's home. Three hours later, they wrapped things up and the majority of those involved scurried off to prepare for the big event.

Remus sighed and stretched out his cramped back before taking out a half-eaten bar of Honeydukes chocolate and taking a big bite. He closed his eyes and chewed slowly, savoring the warmth that was slowly trickling down his throat. Only to choke on the half swallowed bite when the scraping of a chair startled him.

"You ought to be more careful with what you eat Lupin," Moody stated gruffly as he turned to look at him. "**Constant vigilance!**"

"Merciful Merlin!" Remus exclaimed as he tried to catch his breath. "I thought you'd left with the others."

"Thinking will be the downfall of every young wizard," Moody pointed out sagely. "Don't use your head to determine what occupies your surroundings, use your senses."

Remus muttered some vague reply and washed the last of his chocolate down with a swig of Butterbeer. He let the silence draw out for several minutes before turning to study Moody for the second time that night. When his curiosity got the better of him, he gathered his courage and ventured to ask the question that was foremost in his mind. "What did you mean when you said you owe him?"

Mad-eye flinched slightly, as if he'd forgotten that Remus was sitting near him, and rolled his magical eye around to study the werewolf. "Why the sudden interest?"

"I'm curious," Remus admitted, "and I've not been able to come up with any reason why you'd be in debt to Harry, of all people."

Moody sighed and closed his eyes without answering, his whole body seeming to collapse in on itself as Alastor aged before Remus's eyes. Just when Remus thought Moody wasn't going to answer, the ex-Auror began speaking in a much softer growl then he usually did.

"I blame myself for what happened during the boy's fourth year," Alastor stated, his eyes still closed. "I'd accepted the position of Defense Professor as a favor to Albus, never imagining that things would turn out as bad as they did. Albus and Aberforth warned me that there were plots afoot, but I was too confident in my own abilities." Moody paused here and opened his eyes to glance over at Remus before picking up where he left off.

"I broke my own rule; I grew lax and complacent in my home – thinking that none would dare attempt to tackle me within the security of my house. I was a fool to assume that my past instilled fear into my enemies as it once did when I was still employed with the Ministry. The wards surrounding my house were seemingly untouched when I arrived home that night and I walked in without testing them magically – my first near fatal mistake. The second one came when I took my magical eye out to rub at an itch that had developed in the socket. I never saw Pettigrew or Crouch as they ambushed me from the hall closet.

My reflexes are still quick enough that I had my wand out the moment I heard the squeak of the door opening, but I didn't have time to fire off more then two spells before they disarmed and stunned me. It was a pathetic display from a washed up has-been."

"You're still one of the best Aurors to ever walk the Queen's Land," Remus quietly and firmly asserted as he poured a glass of Ogden's best and passed it to Alastor.

"It's kind of you to say so," Moody said as he accepted the glass but didn't drink. "I wish I could agree with you, but nine months trapped in my own baggage at the hands of a deranged criminal says otherwise."

"You aren't the first wizard to be kidnapped and tortured for months on end, Mad-eye, you're lucky to have survived the encounter!" Remus protested.

"It was a first for me though. All through my career, I'd hunted Death Eaters and Dark Sorcerers and never once fell into the enemies' hands. I'm a disgrace to the squad and Harry suffered because of my mistakes."

"Harry doesn't blame you," Sirius declared softly as he reentered the kitchen and took a seat beside Moody. "The boy is an open book, like his father before him, when it comes to hiding his emotions – especially his anger."

"He inherited a bit of his mother's kindheartedness too," Remus added.

"Of course the boy won't admit he hates me!" Moody bellowed at the two friends. "He doesn't know the half of what happened!"

"No one knows what you experienced," Sirius pointed out as he reached out and took the glass from Moody and took a drink.

"I don't like thinking about my mistakes," Moody growled out defensively, "let alone discussing them with any old witch, wizard, or warlock who happens along."

"Yet you dwell on them quite a bit," Remus stated simply.

"How can I not?" Alastor inquired tightly as he sagged further into himself. "The memories torment constantly. I can still hear that misbegotten brat of Barty Crouch's laughing at my helplessness, I see his taunting sneer when I close my eyes, and the foul scum ruined my best eye."

At this outcry, Moody pulled his magical eye from its socket and summoned a glass of water that he used to rinse the eye before returning it to its place. Remus politely glanced away while Moody cleaned his eye, but Sirius watched with the fascination of a young child.

"How'd he manage to keep you subdued all that time?" Sirius asked when the process was complete. "I remember seeing you disarm Death Eaters with the flick of a wrist during the first war, what stopped you from bashing Crouch Jr. and breaking out?"

"Padfoot!" Remus hissed as he glared at Sirius.

Mad-eye frowned at the two of them before turning his attention to the now empty glass that was once more sitting on the table in front of him. "He kept me knocked out with sleeping draughts and stunners, reviving me only when he felt the need to torture information out of me or to taunt me. He made certain that there wasn't a chance for me to regain consciousness during the times between his visits. He tried to use the Imperious Curse on me once, but quickly gave up going that route because I almost managed to regain my wand when I threw off the curse. He never bothered to test his limits again with that one."

"Knowing that, why do you still blame yourself for what happened to Harry?" Sirius wondered as he stared at Moody in confusion.

"Because, if I hadn't relaxed my guard, then Crouch and Pettigrew would not have been able to defeat me the night they attacked me in my home. I would have been at Hogwarts teaching, not Crouch. Harry's name would not have been entered into the Tournament and the boy would have been spared the events that followed the third task."

"You don't know that," Sirius countered gently, surprising both Moody and Remus with the maturity of his statement. "I used to feel the same way about the night James and Lily were murdered," Sirius looked up and blushed when he found both of them staring at him. A ghost of a smile flittered across his face as he climbed to his feet and gave Moody a pat on the shoulder. "Do me a favor; bring Harry to this depressing prison in one piece. I miss my godson."

Alastor let out a dry chuckle as Sirius left quietly, a little of his self-confidence returning. "That one is full of surprises."

"Yes," Remus agreed.

"I'd better get going, there are some things I want to do before we start our mission," Moody announced as he rose from his seat.

"I look forward to working with you again, Alastor."

Moody smiled and limped out of the kitchen, his magical eye whirling every which way, as he searched the shadows for possible attackers.

Remus chuckled softly to himself and leaned back against the table as he watched the old wizard slip out the front door. "There goes a great wizard."

Two nights later, Moody landed silently beside Remus in the shadows that filled the Dursley's back yard. Off to their left, an odd assortment of witches and wizards alighted just as quietly before spreading out to search every corner of the small fenced off yard while Remus slinked to the back door and unlocked it with the wave of his wand.

Moody used his magical eye to search the interior of what appeared to be the Muggle's kitchen before signaling the youngest witch present to enter the house. Two heartbeats later, a crash echoed through the dark house and eight battle-hardened witches and wizards poured through the door with their wands drawn – ready for battle. It wasn't until Remus caught sight of Tonks standing over the shards of a broken plate that they all relaxed. Moody began chastening the young Auror while Remus quickly repaired the plate and returned it to its proper place.

The hushed argument lasted until the small group had gathered at the foot of the stairs that led up to the upper rooms. Remus waved his wand once more and the soft click of an opening lock, followed by the squeak of a swinging door drifted down the stairs. Moody turned and focused his attention on the walls blocking his view and soon tapped Remus on the elbow to signal that Harry was venturing towards them. Consternation filled the grizzled old Auror when he noticed that Harry had his wand out and pointed at the group, and he couldn't help the words that left his mouth.

"Lower your wand, boy, before you take someone's eye out."

"Professor Moody?" Harry called out uncertainly.

The moment he heard Harry call him professor, Moody felt a tiny bit of the guilt he'd been carrying around inside him melt away. He strengthened his resolve to repay his debt and swore to himself that he'd watch over the boy as best he could, beginning with a gruff admonishment for him to find a better place to store his wand, should he wish to keep his backside intact.

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